jo march.

Little women always gets me. Always.
Jo. March.
I knew from the moment i read the book i am reflected in her. A writer, who doesnt aspire to marry. Who thinks that marraige is the lowest degree a woman can say she had success. A pity sight. A painful life to lead. I just cant.
But beneath all these fear of commitment is a lady of love and the wanting to be loved ardently hiding in the curtains of career and ambition and grandeur. I love liberty more than any other thing, although i have not felt it nor even have it yet. Liberty for me would be an epitome of success. I am striving so i could do whatever the hell i want to do and when to do it. I am a woman in charge. I am the one who tells and not to be the one told. I am an alpha. I am a walking power. These are my almosts until i have liberty. And i am in love with it that i would do anything to have it. I am living under the idea and the hope and the probability that i could certainly have it. I am not to be imprisoned under a roof with a man sharing a room with me and kids who will not bear my name but their father's. I am not meant to cook and clean for the comfort of a man. I do not see myself carry half of a burden because my husband would do the other half. I do not wish to be someone's better or other half. ew. I am a whole person, woman, who wants to be known for living the life she had always wanted. Whether what kind as long as she loves it. I carry what i must, wholly. I do what i need to. And i love what and who i wanted. 
But deep inside i can hear a whisper. Of what could have been if i was not too driven by fear, or ambition. What could have been if i said yes the first time. What could have been if i said yes for the second time. And i am not the lucky one type who gets third chances and i dont think even that i would say yes the third time i am asked. Every timing is bad. Every chance is a gamble. Every yes is a commitment. And i fear bad, gamble, and commitment. I fear i could never be enough for him. And i fear that if i would choose him i will not be able to live the life i would always imagine with liberty in it. Life is fucking impossible.