feelings falling like a leaf
update.
i passed the december 2024 cpa licensure examination. the results were posted 17th of december 2024.
i entered into a romantic relationship on december 19, 2024.
i took oath as a licensed cpa last january 27, 2025.
i decided to start working last march 26, 2025 as an internal auditor.
all of these were not in any of my expectations nor anticipations. i feel very thankful and blessed for all of the things that went my way.
God has a plan. and right now, i’m sticking to following his.
i actually don’t know what to write. i just went here and try to scribble something.
anyway, it has been a long time since i’ve posted here and a lot has happened. i finished my internship. i graduated from college. and right now i am in my review era preparing for the October 2024 CPA Licensure Examination.
today is 28th of september and october is racing like usain bolt. my heart is doing the same thing too.
this exam is such a big deal for me. probably the biggest. it is going to determine what hapoens next in my life. and i cannot find the right adjectives to describe how i am feeling right now because i dont even know what i am feeling right now.
but here i am and i am manifesting it.
Ailyn B. Negapatan, CPA
this will be my email signature, the words i will put over the phrase signature over printed name, and the words that will appear on invitations STARTING OCTOBER 2024.
i beg the Lord’s blessing and guidance that He will grant my prayer.
and i am blowing this along with the daffodils and stardust in the universe.
-ai
This is the first time.
That I feel something so heavy, so complex, yet so easy to understand.
But unable to write about.
Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.
You got to know, I am not one who knows how to take a compliment or help. Growing up, I am the eldest of three sisters. I basically knew how to take care of myself on my own and I am not familiar with the feeling of being offered help.
I was always top of the class, best in all class subjects,excelled in various extra curricular activities I joined, and was famous for it.
But was I genuinely happy? I think I was. I mean achieving something of that degree was never easy and it took extra effort and diligence. I let people think how they think of it. When they talk about my resumé they make it all sound so easy that when I make a minute mistake or mishap it was so easy for them to discredit all my work. However, again I just let them talk their talk. I go on with my days and live with the pressure of the society, my teachers at school, and my parents. It was bearable, tolerable, at the time.
College happened. And things happen. Going to the city I did not have any expectations. I wish not to excel but to only pass. Because I was away from home it felt a little bit easy for me to take off all the burden from my shoulders and just exist.
My parents, especially my mom, started missing me. I was far from them, alone most of the time, and I barely call them. I was trying to really take the independence all in. Until I experience my first failure. I failed my quizzes and exams and resulted in a fail preliminary mark. I did not cry. It was the first time I felt I am normal. But because I cannot afford, financially, to fail, I studied harder and tried harder. The next exam I got perfect scores including in my quizzes. There were fluctuations in my grades on my first year in college.
I told these to my mom. But only the failure parts. I never told her I got perfect, or passed something, or got a compliment from a professor. I told her only the tough parts.
In this writing prompt, you may be asking, then what’s the positive thing that a family member has done for me?
My mom told me it’s okay. She told me it’s going to be okay. I did not know the word okay could have so much emotion in it. For the first time since I could remember, she never told me ‘you can get it next time’, or ‘there’s always next time’, or ‘you can do it’. For the first time she lifted the pressure off me. She never encouraged me. And that was what all it took for me to keep going.
My mom always knew what to say. Even I could not believe my ears when she told me she accepts any result of my academic journey. She said it’s okay. She was satisfied for the first time.
I like to think that it is distance that was the culprit of this acceptance. Because I was so far away from them, they missed me so much that they will take even the bare minimum. Sometimes distance may be a good thing, you know.
There was no pressure from my parents, until now, whatsoever in how my college journey would end up. And I am so fine and happy with that that I don’t even care anymore what other people say. It was the best or the most positive thing by far a relative has done to me.
And if time and distance were what it took for me to be free of pressure, I wonder what time and distance would do together again for me. Hopefully, heal my broken romantic heart.
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
I have to admit. My brain right now is like a gated community of memories from the past and I don’t reside there.
I have the worst memory when it comes to strangers. I forget faces easily and I cannot remember names nor associate them with faces. As I inspect every corner of my mind trying to look for answers to this writing prompt, I only wind up to the thoughts of how terrible I am in remembering people.
But wait! I want to share this. I told you I am bad at remembering faces but I joined a school organization, the official school publication to be exact, on my first year in college. On our first meeting I met my fellow writers and conversed a little with them. Before adjournment, it was agreed that there shall be a next meeting for a few matters that need follow-up. I booked the date on my calendar for schedule and went on with my day.
The following day during lunchtime I was out buying food for lunch when I bumped into someone. I can tell he’s a little bit on the feminine side, shorter than most boys, and give extroverted vibes. He asked me, “Are you going there later?” I can tell he’s on a rush or something because again it was lunchtime everybody’s busy and I panicked on how I should answer the question. I don’t recognize who he is. I don’t know where I am supposed to be going later. I don’t have other acquaintances or friends except for my blockmates and the school paper fellows. My mind was buzzing in milliseconds so I answered, “I am going to have to see if I can go.” He was satisfied with the answer and went on. Walking back to the classroom I was still fuzzed with the interaction. Where should I suppose to go and am I supposed to recognize that person?
I checked my calendar for my schedule and turns out I have a meeting with the school publication organization later in the afternoon. I laughed in silence and my mind was like mocking itself. I still do not know who I bumped into but at least I assume he is one of my fellow writers in the organization.
Later that afternoon the meeting commenced and I slightly start to recognize his face. In my mind I was laughing at myself but at the same time proud because looking back, I actually gave a safe and uncringey response to the question.
It took me a while to identify and learn their faces and names but at least I got through it.
People ask me most of the time why I am shy at first or I don’t usually speak or interact. They assume I am a shy person. Well I have to say I am not entirely shy but I am for most first encounters because I am extremely trying to imprint to my brain their faces and match it with their names. I cannot even fathom how to describe how hard I try to remember these things.
The writing prompt asks how this encounter stuck out positively to me. I do not know. This sickness gives me a lot of room for embarassment but it also gives me the rush and excitement. It’s like a guessing game I play with myself.
I definitely learned that I am not like other people and there really are existing people who are great at remembering faces and names.
This feature that I have is actually the reason why I don’t believe in love at first sight. Nevertheless, what’s positive in here is that I was able to find the silver lining in this circumstance. Having fun over something that may cause embarassment is somehow a good thing to take from this.
But hopefully there will be more fun and less embarassment.
Adrianne.
Youre turning seven. How fast is that!
As i am thinking about it, seven years was swift and you are growing swiftly too. As of now i cant wrap my head around it yet. I love you immensely and ardently, ad. You came unexpectedly and i never knew i needed you this much nor did i know i would be able to give this much love to somebody. I always tell you how much i love you literally everyday. You say 'i love you' back but when there are times that you dont immediately do, i persistently ask for it. And as you grow you become more shy in saying it back, sometimes more like a whisper and oftentimes now just to shut me up when i annoyingly ask for it. Know that i will always, always be here for you. I am striving hard to be successful so i could give you things and make memories with you that i could not have when i was younger. I will not permit myself to pressure you to be someone you do not desire nor to something you do not want. I will be here to watch and guide you through the paths that you will have to take. You can lean on me when times are tough for you. You can ask me anything when you wander about things you dont know. You can hug me tightly when you feel lost. You can share your awful jokes with me or even your awkward dance moves. I will never get tired of listening to your stories. I will keep your drawings as long as i can. We can ride on the rainbow of imagination and draw and talk about things only we can comprehend. I will always laugh on your baboy kasanon sunbathing on the seashore.
I love you very much, my love Adrianne.
Life is so much bearable with you.
—Ate Ai
I was a kid once and I could tell prayers were not often said during that phase of my life. I may have said a few because I was told to do so but as I am contemplating on what to write here, I stumbled upon a thought. When did I become prayerful? And how did praying affect my quality of life? I understand how my mother have influenced me to go to church with her every sunday and since I was young I was just there so she has company but one time, it all started to make sense. Praying affects the quality of life of a person. Praying, just like any other thing, when done repeatedly can become a habit. And in this modern world, there are only few who humble themselves in prayer and actually make time to converse to God. With hustle culture imploring everyone to do more, people think they might have it all figured out. This kind of living easily burns out people hence affecting their quality of life. At your lowest point, it's easy to turn into prayers but one does not have to wait until they're drained in order to pray. Boelens et al. (2009) had a study on the effects of prayer on depression and anxiety and found that members of a group had lower rates of depression and anxiety and were more optimistic after sessions in which they prayed for one another, compared to the control group (which had no prayer sessions). Rogers (2020) highlighted that praying within a relationship with God that feels loving and supportive may help with managing stress and life’s challenges. Moreover, praying more could be associated with vitality if it keeps the person calm and centered, or with illness if the person prays because he’s sick and worried. However, Rogers (2020) also cited that all types of prayer might not work in the same way — when hospitalized patients appraised God as a kind supporter, their mental and physical health improved. But when they perceived God as punishing or were angry with God, their health declined. This shows that perception and faith plays a huge role in how we pray. The way we perceive God in our lives affects our way of praying and our way of living. I became prayerful when I witnessed my aunt suffer of breast cancer, how the disease slowly corrupted her and eventually put her to eternal rest. It only took months after she was diagnosed and I was there everyday because she lived next door to us and I saw how life is fleeting and how there is so much love left to show and forgiveness left to give. She was one of the kindest people I know and it pained me to watch her struggle everyday like that because I believe she did not deserve it. Since then I prayed each and everyday for her suffering to be less painful, for us to slowly accept her fate, and for things that might make the days feel lighter. Every day I offered a whisper to God. And when she died, it was so brief and light that to this day, I still could not remember a thing of how it happened. I have no memory how she died that day and how the burial went. When I think of her, she is alive to me that I don't feel the taboo of talking about the dead. And I think that is her legacy to me. That even in her shortest of breath, she left me a lesson I would take with me forever, that prayer heals all hearts and from there love stems to every bit of your wondrousness for a life you are worthy of living. References: Rogers, K. (2020, June 17). The psychological benefits of prayer: What science says about the mind-soul connection. CNN. Retrieved March 8, 2023, from https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/17/health/benefits-of-prayer-wellness/index.html Boelens, P. A., Reeves, R. R., Replogle, W. H., & Koenig, H. G. (2009). A Randomized Trial of the Effect of Prayer on Depression and Anxiety. International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine, 39(4), 377–392. https://doi.org/10.2190/pm.39.4.c
i was merely writing on my scratch papers, at the back of my notebooks, and on receipts. I would scribble my thoughts and create a rhyme or invent analogies.
the write-ups were piling and i have this feeling of half regret that nobody else but me who was able to read those words. there was also a thought of fear in making my work public because of it being too personal.
the first thing i tried was using wordpress. slowly it felt nice being able to release my work. it also gave me a sense of relief and there was an undertone of the feeling of moving on. the words i write are my way of expressing how i feel without having to say it explicitly. posting my work is like a breath of fresh air or a sigh of relief and all the other cliché metaphor present to describe it.
i went from wordpress to creating a facebook page and eventually writing my own book(s), because there are already five of them now, and then creating an instagram page for my poetry. i grew from having second thoughts on sharing my work to having actually shared my work all out. there are five poetry collection available on google books that i self-published and my facebook and instagram page are slowly growing organically.
i grew as a writer and as an artist because i tried to overcome my fear until i overcame my fear. trying is so underrated but that’s the thing that makes us grow. it is in trying that we unlock something in ourselves that we didn’t know we had before.
good news is i am still trying and i’ll try to be this way as long as i’m breathing.
I just watched Gone Girl and it's wild! After watching, i had a hangover from the ending so i tried reading reviews and the likes. I stumble upon how Amy was the Cool Girl, and Nick was the Charming Man. It was picture perfect as cliche as it would seem but that's how both of them fell in love, by satisfying each other's wants. But living for another person's satisfaction never lasts and it gets fucked up in the long run because it is exhausting. Pretending to be someone you are not just so you could get something you want is so pitiful. However it has got me thinking this late at night, that the courting and dating phase is always, always like this. We paint a picture of ourself, present a version of us that we think is more or most likeable, pleasing, and attractive to potential partners. And that is why i think that the dating culture, if you would call it that, is fucked up and i dont subscribe to it anymore. We sell ourselves implicitly by imploring the marketable side of us, something that others might find comfortable but not too comfortable. And the dating phase is the phase of establishment of feelings and desires that makes you to want more. and more. Nothing goes wrong when one is dating somebody. We perceive the person as perfect, just someone we want to be with, someone to fight for and not someone you would rather fight with. I really think it stems from that. That way how delusional we are when we thought we can work the relationship out or said to each other no matter what either better or worse. Dating is selling us the perception of a perfect relationship, of the perfect partner, when in fact you last longer when you admit and consciously know you are not perfect and neither is the relationship. I dont know. It is late. And i am going through these thoughts right now making me more scared about the idea of marriage and even more motivated to not marry. If i happen to marry, i think i would be with someone i am friends with or someone i know for a long time. Someone i know what, where, when, and how to push the buttons. Marraige is about tolerance. And we'll see if i have enough patience for that.
Little women always gets me. Always. Jo. March. I knew from the moment i read the book i am reflected in her. A writer, who doesnt aspire to marry. Who thinks that marraige is the lowest degree a woman can say she had success. A pity sight. A painful life to lead. I just cant. But beneath all these fear of commitment is a lady of love and the wanting to be loved ardently hiding in the curtains of career and ambition and grandeur. I love liberty more than any other thing, although i have not felt it nor even have it yet. Liberty for me would be an epitome of success. I am striving so i could do whatever the hell i want to do and when to do it. I am a woman in charge. I am the one who tells and not to be the one told. I am an alpha. I am a walking power. These are my almosts until i have liberty. And i am in love with it that i would do anything to have it. I am living under the idea and the hope and the probability that i could certainly have it. I am not to be imprisoned under a roof with a man sharing a room with me and kids who will not bear my name but their father's. I am not meant to cook and clean for the comfort of a man. I do not see myself carry half of a burden because my husband would do the other half. I do not wish to be someone's better or other half. ew. I am a whole person, woman, who wants to be known for living the life she had always wanted. Whether what kind as long as she loves it. I carry what i must, wholly. I do what i need to. And i love what and who i wanted. But deep inside i can hear a whisper. Of what could have been if i was not too driven by fear, or ambition. What could have been if i said yes the first time. What could have been if i said yes for the second time. And i am not the lucky one type who gets third chances and i dont think even that i would say yes the third time i am asked. Every timing is bad. Every chance is a gamble. Every yes is a commitment. And i fear bad, gamble, and commitment. I fear i could never be enough for him. And i fear that if i would choose him i will not be able to live the life i would always imagine with liberty in it. Life is fucking impossible.
Ailyn's Lines 