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it's the middle of the night and am facing this white sheet in front of me with only one thing in my head - your name.

the flame to keep going on is hanging by a thread while i am walking on a wire with deep melancholy and a deeper exhaustion reflected in these dark hollowed eyes trying to reach for your hand from the other side.

i left my heart at the door
back when we were twelve
and life was unsure
you tied your shoelace
while i tied my hands
cause i know from the start
we didn't have a chance.

i walked through the dark halls
trying to look and stand tall
so confident when I'm alone
sliding in walls that feel like home
as i approach through the door
i held my head down the floor
the doorway creaks as I enter
everyone I see are all strangers
some look at me with a smile
others put their feet on the aisle
brats gazed at me like cops do
watching me from head to toe
everyday for one minute i endure
for that moment i want to lurk
or crawl maybe as I arrive
escape the noise of classroom beehive
when all is said and done
and the doors open to start the fun
mates go out and step on my foot
in hallways I cant get a loop
when can this come to an end
when can my fear start to mend
let this anxiousness stop
and go with the vibe and flop
i walked through the halls again
chest out and books in my hands
but I noticed something is odd
Gone are the darkness nor the bad
the door squeaks as i open it
the room feels warm and lit
i entered with confidence and poise
now i see not all of it are noise
i looked at those who grinned at me
and i felt so light and easy
my thoughts were once my only friend
i was desperate to let my fright mend
now i see im not in a busy beehive
but in a diverse garden full of life
changing my lens was kind of tough
the transition seemed pretty rough
but the price was the picturesque view
and reflections of my worth and value.

you should have been here
and brought me that smile
wiped my worries and tears
and say, "sorry i was late a while".

you should have been here
and sent me those love letters
effaced all of my fuss and fears
and say, "you will be better"

you should have been here
and stopped me from waiting
but i see now all of it is clear
that you were never even coming

i have been calling out your name
and not even a ghost of you came
for you i'd rather wait and then die
than live without a hope you'd arrive.

six years after and still living

i was sure i never had this feeling

is this a flower that had to bloom

or a shining star meant to be doomed

is this a pillow or a paper heart

is this the closure or just the start

is this just a leaf or is this a chapter

is this the end or the happy ever after

is this real or just a memory

is this vivid or is this blurry

my heart cannot tell what i have felt

nor recognize what my hand once held

but there was one thing i was sure i had

a fleeting young love that never felt bad.

there's someone inside me
screaming, "let me out".
i said, " no it can't be."
no one should know what you're about.

there's something inside me
whispering, "get me out of here."
i told it, "no you shouldnt be."
no one should see you in clear

there's someone inside me
asking, "why can't i be out?"
i answered, "no you can't be."
"they will know what you're about.”

there's something inside me
saying, " i want to be out there."
i said, "no you shouldn't be."
"vulnerability fits in nowhere."

there's someone inside me
she finally said, "i'll stay here."
"i can't let them know me."
"I am strong just as how I appear."

i have fallen
for a fallen angel
that seemed like a daydream
but was a nightmare
i was broken
by a fallen angel
who made skies dark and dim
and burned me in flares.

on the fifth of October
in a blue scented paper
you laid your love in letters
in my heart and in my drawers.

in my porsche 550 driving on the way to you
and i strike the brakes too soon with bonnie and clyde too
six feet under in my pucci cadillac casket
gone was the trace of you but the letters in the basket.